生存者の物語

I moved out when I was 15 years old mistakenly with an 18 year old . I moved out so young because at the time my parents were going through a divorce and the environment I was living in was not healthy. My entire life, I have been bullied by my step father and kids at school. My step father was very controlling, anytime I wore shorts I was called every name in the book. My entire childhood was mental abuse, emotional abuse and sexual harassment. I have attempted suicide 6 times, I struggled with depression and still do. I had to grow up too fast, I had to learn to take care of myself as well as my brothers. Before I finally moved out of my mother's house, her boyfriend at the time sexually assaulted me while my little brother was sleeping in the next room and my mom was out doing drugs. My uncles would make comments on my body and harass me. Everytime I would bring it up to anyone I was called a liar. I was together with my abuser for 4 years, there were a lot of red flags that I ignored the first year of our relationship. He worked the night shift so I was not allowed to sleep until he got home at 6am. During our relationship I was actively in school, at one point I held 3 jobs because he quit his job. All of the money I made went into his account and I did not have access to it. One night he got angry and assumed I cheated on him, while I was in the shower he looked through my cell phone. He found a picture of my middle school best friend, he took my phone away from me, called me names and proceeded to text my best friend. He is an African American male, so my abuser was being very racist towards him. That night was when I realized he is mentally and emotionally abusive. He got so upset that night he hung himself, he looked at me and said “this is all your fault.” I was so scared, I picked him up and took him down. When he gained consciousness he asked me why I took him down. I thought that maybe he would be a little bit more calm. He blocked me in the room and said that I wasn't leaving. He spit in my face anytime I tried to leave the room, I grabbed the closest object which was a knife. I told him that if he didnt let me leave then I was going to use the knife. He finally let me leave after 30 minutes of going back and fourth. I left the house with no shoes, no jacket and in a shirt and shorts, this was during the winter. My aunt and cousin lived down the road from our house. When I got to my aunts house, my abuser called me and asked why I was cheating on him with my cousin. He stated that I was there everyday after work. It was my safe space. 2 years into our relationship, we moved to Mississippi with his best friend to help start their family business. I dropped out of highschool to be with him. The first time I was drugged, we were in Mississippi for about 2 months. I felt like everything around me was a hallucination, I panicked and seeked comfort. Him and his best friend laughed while I was laying on the bed panicking. I passed out from hyperventilating and laid there unconscious. This happened very frequently while living in Mississippi, he was buying pills and crushing them up. We came back to Idaho to live with his sister and brother in law. Everything seemed to be back to normal, he was loving on me like he never had before. I thought that he had realized what he was doing and was trying to be better. I got into a great school and was excelling, I had great friends and supportive teachers. I was very much wrong, my body was giving me signs to leave. I developed an eating disorder, my depression was skyrocking and the isolation was getting worse.

I was still living at home, but I was making my own money, at 18 I was in college living on my own paying my own way through college where I got to the point I was very independent and very secure of myself. I thought I could conquer the world. I was going to become a nurse work for five years and then get married. That was my plan. I was barely getting through my second year of college when I met him. It was love at first sight so I thought. He was great during dating, he let me believe he was a perfect man, loving and honest. He always made me feel special, and I thought he was the man for me. We only dated for six months, and then we got married. I thought I had the perfect man. I thought I was making the right choice until our wedding day. That was the first time that he showed his true colors. He had walked away to talk to the people from the band and told me to wait at that moment, my friends came up to me and Wanted me to dance the Macarena with them I didn’t see anything wrong with that so I went when I came back to him. He was so mad telling me why did you leave? I told you to wait here!!! He took me by surprise but I thought it was the stress of the wedding since we paid the majority on our own. We had some issues starting normal arguments as any couple does. I didn’t realize that dancing with my cousins at family gatherings would be a big deal but to him, it was a big deal as the years went by, and realized that I was losing myself to him because everything seemed to be all about him where we went, what we did, we never did anything I wanted anytime I planned something like going to my five-year graduation reunion we ended up in an argument and didn’t go and that seems to be the case with my plans so many times that I gave up and we would do whatever he wanted. Don’t get me wrong I loved going to the car shows, rodeo, off-roading, going to the lake, and camping I think those were the closest things we did as a family but there had to be other families with us he never did anything with just us. By the time our kids came, I was the one taking the kids to the park, to the library, the pool, and school activities trying to spend time with them as much as possible he was always too busy working, or with his friends. I can’t remember the last time I did something for myself it just seemed like every time I wanted to it was an argument ready to happen it even got to the point that he made me feel worthless, ugly, and incompetent and I think I just didn’t want to argue so I avoided doing things for myself and stopped going out to eat or even meet up with my friends so much that I made excuses on why I couldn’t go and eventually they stopped inviting me. I pretty much did everything he said, I didn’t realize it but people around me would mention it but I would defend him and say that I wanted to do it and that he didn’t force me. It wasn’t till after the separation that I realized I had lost all my friends that I had made my world all about him. He knew how to talk in ways that made me feel guilty of doing things I wanted to do for myself He made me feel like I couldn’t do anything for myself and that I was nothing without him, he belittled me and made my esteem go way down. I believed I was nothing without him. He didn’t abuse me physically but mentally he knew how to control me and I thought it was normal. I thought I was the same person I always was I didn’t realize I wasn’t me anymore. I was scared to tell him when I did something wrong when I used money for something or I messed up on the bank account and the numbers didn’t add up that I would try to fix them on my own to avoid his anger to avoid his comments and all this time I thought it was my fault and now, after being separated six years, I come to realize I did nothing wrong. I was being a supportive wife I was being a mother, I was trying to be there for him but doing so I’m scared that I did wrong with my kids, unfortunately, I learned the kind of person he was towards my family stuff I wish I would of known then that maybe would of opened my eyes I now know that instead of helping them by staying together now I know that wasn’t the right choice. It’s been 6 years since the separation and I am barely putting myself together after 22 years of marriage I still don’t love myself because he did a number on my self-esteem but at least I know I can do it on my own and I know I have family and friends who are still there to help and support me and I do know that I will get there with God by my side I will get where I need to be. -Fabiola Romero

I filed for divorce after I found out his brother sexually assaulted my 15-year-old niece and got a restraining order. The housing authority got my husband a lawyer and prevented a restraining order from being in place. I have all the documents to prove these allegations. The domestic violence agency is directed by my abuser's aunt who has prevented me from obtaining any help for me and my children. We were displaced by lawyers and housing in June. Me and my children are homeless because of what my husband's brother did to my niece. Government agencies such as housing and domestic violence programs have aided my abuser with the legal process to displace and continue to abuse me, my children, and my animals. My animals were killed and horses were hidden from me along with all my property and children's belongings. - Anonymous